Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12
This painting is a loving reminder to myself–and everyone–that God knows our hearts, sees everything, and loves us unconditionally. Keep showing up. Keep seeking. Keep trying. There is good waiting for you.
Putting yourself out there, following your dreams, following your calling, letting your light shine, being authentic, being vulnerable, being of this world…you will at times experience jealousy, judgment, misinterpretation, misunderstanding, assumptions, injustice, betrayal, gossip, disappointment, road blocks, indifference, hatred, being taken for granted, being used, being excluded, rejection, failure.
A wise friend told me recently, “If everyone likes you, you are doing something wrong!” I know that’s true, but at the same time it’s hard to reconcile this with the fact of Imago Dei–that we are each created in God’s own image, and we each have infinite dignity. It’s hard, especially during Lent when we reflect on Christ’s suffering and crucifixion, to realize that the more things change, the more things stay the same. People are still people. It’s hard to accept that “Do unto others…” is something we can only control in ourselves, not a guarantee of what others will do unto us. And it’s hard to accept that I, too, have failed.
We can try our best to “let them,” to be strong and ignore all the little slights and failures along the way. But if we’re not mindful, the hits can pile up and nestle into our psyche, especially when we are highly sensitive and empathetic, with minds that look for patterns and have stored away trauma that reappears at inopportune times. Even when something hasn’t necessarily gone wrong, but people act in ways that we don’t understand or expect, our imaginations can fill in the blanks in the worst ways. And if you’re anything like me, the person you blame the hardest in the face of rejection (real or imagined) is you.
“Did I say that the wrong way?” “Did I do the wrong thing?” “Did I do something wrong without realizing it?” “Did I give the wrong impression?” “Did I try hard enough?” “Did I try too hard?” “Should I have just kept my mouth shut?” “Am I weird and awkward?” “Am I a fraud?” “Am I conceited?” “Am I a show-off?” “Were they only pretending to like me?” “Did I misunderstand?” “Am I overreacting?” “Am I too sensitive?” “Do I give off weird vibes?” “Am I irretrievably broken and damaged and incapable?” “Am I so awful that I deserved that?” “Am I too much?” “Am I not enough?” “Am I selfish?” “Is it my perception, or just my imagination?”
And on, and on, and on. It can be difficult to break out of the mental spiral. Sometimes, it can be hard to notice at first that you’re even in it, that there is this quiet, steady drumbeat of negativity underneath the busyness. You start to believe the narrative. Not surprisingly, we can only take so much beating, even if it’s mostly at the hands of our own inner critic, before we break. Finally, some little thing added to the heap can cause our resolve to come crashing down.
It’s in the midst of this brokenness that we must dig deep to remember the truth about who we are; when everything feels obscured and forever altered by the cloud of the present crisis, when it’s hard to see that anything could ever be better again, when we’re grieving what we had before. We need to believe that our mistakes and failures don’t define us, that other people’s perceptions of us aren’t the whole story. It’s a time to cling to faith–however small and fragile it might be–that you are ultimately good, lovable and loved–flaws and all–that you have a purpose, and what is truly meant for you is unstoppable. Remember who you are.
Symbolism
The crown doesn’t mean I am perfect or beyond reproach. It represents hope, and a promise of what awaits if I faithfully soldier on. It is a declaration that I belong. It is a rejection of the idea that any human being is more valuable than another. It is a reminder to me to stay focused and to continue to carry myself with confidence, grace and dignity in whatever places I find myself.
If I were able to have a crown, what would I want it to look like? I still have no real idea, but for this painting, I decided to combine a bunch of symbols that hold meaning for me including:
- Thorns
- Cross
- Sunburst
- Hearts
- Rose (in the form of a rose window, like in a cathedral)
- Pearls
- Oak branch and mastic branch
The crown also represents three important saints in my life: Helena (my baptismal saint), Therese of Lisieux (my confirmation saint and kindred spirit), and Catherine of Siena (my “Saint of the Year” for 2025 and someone who has fought similar battles).
Space makes me think of God. I find it both beautiful and terrifying. I particularly enjoy pictures of galaxies. Space, to me, represents both intelligence and how much mankind does not yet know.
Scrupulosity
I always struggle a bit with inspiration that is religious in nature. Painting from a reference photo of a church or crucifix, for example, is easy–somebody else has already made the decisions. Painting a religious subject from my own imagination is scary. I worry that I will “say” something wrong. I fight through it to see my vision come to life, trusting that God, at least, knows my heart and that I intended something good.
I’ve been spending a lot of time praying in my church recently. I love going in during the day when it’s dark and quiet. One day, this painting already in progress, I stared at the stained glass window depicting Mary receiving her crown in Heaven–a big crown, like the one I was painting on my own head. “Who do I think I am?” I thought. “Certainly I’m not on the level of Mary. Maybe this is very prideful of me. Maybe this is wrong.”
Eventually my eyes were drawn to a curious little detail in the lower left corner that I had never noticed before: a mirror. My reference photo for this painting was me looking into a mirror.
Well, I felt I had my answer: “It’s okay.”
Remember Who You Are
When they assume and gossip and judge… Remember who you are.
When you are forgotten or left out… Remember who you are.
When you don’t fit in… Remember who you are.
When you are shunned, snubbed, or spited… Remember who you are.
When your joy and success inspire jealousy… Remember who you are.
When they see you as a threat… Remember who you are.
When you feel like you are too much… Remember who you are.
When you feel like you are not enough… Remember who you are.
When you try to earn love… Remember who you are.
When it feels like your efforts don’t matter… Remember who you are.
When they see what you can do but not who you are…Remember who you are.
When you feel like your weaknesses define you… Remember who you are.
When your insecurities outweigh your confidence… Remember who you are.
When you don’t feel strong enough… Remember who you are.
When you screw up or fail… Remember who you are.
When your kindness is met with crickets… Remember who you are.
When you feel alone… Remember who you are.
When they don’t see or understand the real you… Remember who you are.
When things fall apart… Remember who you are.
When you fall apart… Remember who you are.
Details
Size: 9″ x 12″
Medium: Watercolor on Paper
Completed: April 2025